So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
