She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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