We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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