We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
