If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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