i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
