This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
