Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
