mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
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