all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Randomize
