I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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