You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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