Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me