see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'll put lettuce on them
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.