I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.