I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Randomize
