i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Randomize
