Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Randomize
