he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
