When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize
