I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
