DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
