true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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