chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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