What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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