70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
