woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
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