What did I eat last night that was bloody?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
you inspire me to be a worse person
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
