i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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