2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
do nipples grow back?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
