So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
