his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
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So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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