im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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