I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
