On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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