I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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