Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
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