my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Randomize
