Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Dear god my vagina.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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