hell yes lets make some ravioli
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
