i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
