if i can run in heels then i can drive
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
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