there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
