On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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