You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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