I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
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