I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I want you more than these girls want KFC
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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