Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
