If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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