I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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