she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
