if i died would you start the facebook group?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
