if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
