Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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