this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
