The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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