The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I will be naked everywhere
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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