I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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