I skipped work to stalk him.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
