I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
