Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
