Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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